Behind A Beautifully Colored Mask

Confession Fact #26:
I've thought about writing in this basically everyday since I stopped...but I just never have anything new to say. It's really become more of a place to let out the things I just can't keep to myself anymore.

Story/thought #26:
He calls her "Mrs. Perfect" and "Mrs. inserthislastnamehere". He says she makes him happier than he's been in a long time/he's ever been. They post these pictures of them kissing and holding each other. She has the song that I used to describe how I felt about him...to describe how she feels about him. He tells people how much he loves her. He has willingly, without probing, admitted that she is better than I am. They live near each other. They call each other baby and boo. They say they love each other. He doesn't talk to me at all anymore. I refuse to be the first to say "hello", or anything else for that matter. He's been more attractive lately. He's completely over me. She's gorgeous. She's most likely very nice. I've never met her in my life. But his friends have said how cool she is. She's the replacement for me.
My best guy friend, Connor, has hurt me really badly. And I just realized/found out about that today.
My best girl friend, Amber, has also been hurt by Connor. But is still with her asshole boyfriend, who has tried more than once to break my friendship with her now.
I can't seem to find a boy to move on to. It's very hard to get over somebody when there's nobody else to reach for, you know, someone to look forward to.
I've gotten intoxicated almost every weekend since Allen and I broke up and I love it. It's basically one of the best parts of my life.
I'm starting to lose my faith in love and happiness? It sounds horrible, but I can't understand how it exists when somebody says they love somebody within a week and then it can end within another week. I can't understand how love can ever be real if it can be unrequited. I can't see why God would allow love to be so unfair, painful, and cruel.
I've been trying to start a new "novel". Or, what I hope to someday become a novel. Maybe even a memoir. It's hard to be so inspired again though. I don't know how I was so inspired to write when I was younger. Where did that inspiration even come from? Life was so simple..was it maybe that I wasn't as educated, therefore I was more intrigued by the world?
I've been trying to stay focused on school lately because my grades have slipped dramatically and it keeps my mind off everything that's been going wrong.
I'm trying to look to the future and only worry about my future. But I keep falling back into the past.
I've been on a diet for the past week. And I've been trying to exercise more. I don't know if I've gained or lost weight yet. I have yet to find a time to check when my mother isn't home.
I hate going to church because it just reminds me of all the sins I have been committing and I have to see Connor's on-after-almost-a-month-of-being-broken-up girlfriend every time I go, and that's really hard/awkward now. Especially after she called me a slut. Yes, my so-called best friend (who also happens to be my best guy friend's girlfriend), called me a slut after making up a rumor that she knew was untrue.
I miss how my life used to be. You know, when people were still semi-genuine and when they cared. When I didn't have to worry about how much fat I had on my body. When I didn't know anybody from my cousin's town except for my cousin. When I couldn't have really cared less about boys and what they thought of me. When I wondered how people could cry themselves to sleep at night. When I thought that school was so easy. When I thought best friends really meant forever. When I thought boyfriends were always knights in shining armor. When I loved everyone and everything. When I didn't have an ounce of regret in me. When I lived everyday to the fullest. When I had somebody to talk to no matter what. When I didn't fake being happy and then end up crying in bathroom stalls silently during school. When I didn't end up throwing up from crying too hard. When life was easier.
But this is now my life. I take one step forward, then three steps back.

Quote #26:
"I've become content with this life that I lead where I drink too much and don't believe in much of anything."
-Straylight Run

Song #26:
"Tied Together With A Smile" by Taylor Swift

Confession Fact #25:
I have no idea how to knit.

Story/thought #25:
Valentine's Day is such a horrible day. Especially for those of us who are single and who love somebody they can't have [whether there's a good reason or not].I know I've been sounding repetitive in these past few posts, but seriously, Allen is all I think about.
This hurts so bad. I don't think I've ever had more pain in my life..

Quote #25:
"'Cause my self esteem, its been low
Go ahead & count, its been lower than low."

Song #25:
"What Hurts The Most" Rascal Flatts.

Confession Fact #24:
I love to go to the dentist.

Story/thought #24:
Have you ever had one of those situations where it only hurts when you think about it? I mean, I just found out that Allen is going to his prom with this girl Lexi who I've known for most of my life and then he's going to hers. And of course I'm disappointed by it, I mean, it's only been a little more than a week since we broke up and he already has two proms to go to with some girl? (He almost went out with her before he went out with me...big threat!). So I'm disappointed, but there are times when I'm not thinking about it and it's not so bad. I mean, of course I'm hurting after this break up, I know I'm not close to moving on, but it's not as bad as it was the first few days. But then I think about this situation, and I think of how messed up it is and it hurts more than anything has ever hurt before. It's even worse because he's still sending mixed signals..like when I called him out on the prom thing, he told me he wanted to bring me but it would be too difficult (distance wise), but we both know we could figure something out. And then he gets jealous when I talk about other guys (we talk a lot still) and he says he misses/loves me still. But then some days (like today) he won't talk to me at all. And on those days I'm just miserable, sitting here waiting for something to happen. Ughhh, this is horrible! Ha.
Let's see, what else? Nothing too much. My life has basically stopped. At least that's how it feels.

Quote #24:
"It's so hard to move on, still loving what's gone."

Song #24:
"Breakdown" Plain White T's.

Confession Fact #23:
I'm kinda disgusted with myself sometimes.

Story/thought #23:
So today was alright I guess. I talked to Allen a lot, so that made me happier than yesterday. Uhm, I found out that I'm going to visit my grandfather who lives really close to Allen, so I might see him. Even though I don't know if I really want to. I probably wouldn't be able to handle it. But at the same time, I really want to see him. I haven't seen him in so long, you know? I don't really have much to say. I'm kinda emotionally and physically drained. So, yeah.

Quote #23:
"Just tell me it's tearing you apart.
Just tell me you cannot sleep."

Song #23:
"Picture" by Kid Rock ft. Sheryl Crow

Confession Fact #22:
I feel like I change completely almost everyday.

Story/thought #22:
You know how some people say things like "I love being single thing, I get to kiss who I want, hug who I want, hang out with who I want, and I never have to worry!"? Yea, well, I don't feel the same way at all. This is the first time I've been the one who was broken up with. I've always gotten bored before they have the chance to break up with me, so I break up with them first. Not this time, Allen and me breaking up is like unexpectedly being thrown off of a cliff and hitting every rock on the way down all the while hoping to God that the person who threw you off will think to save you really soon. And it hurts so badly because one day he wants to talk, but he talks so much that it makes me upset because it seems like he wants to get back together when he doesn't. But then the next day, I'll really want to talk to him, like, it'll be all I want for the entire day, and he just won't answer me. It's the most confusing break up I've ever been through in my life. Not only that, but it's most painful. He's so much a part of me. I mean, I was friends/best friends with him for over a year before we went out, you know? I really trust him and I've grown so used to telling him everything. I know some people like freedom and being able to do what they want when they want. Don't get me wrong. I'm a firm believer in the "I don't need a man to make me happy" movement that everybody's been talking to me about when they find out. I know I don't need him. But I kinda liked telling him that I was hanging out with some guy and him getting jealous. I know I seemed like I hated it and thought it to be  completely unnecessary, but in a way I liked it. Only because I liked that he was getting jealous..don't people say that jealousy means that you're afraid to lose something? And like..that if they're afraid to lose something, then it means they have something to lose? Something like that? I miss him being afraid to lose me. And right now, it feels like he could care less if I fell off of the face of the earth. But here's the confusing part...last night I was talking to him during the superbowl (Giants won! Yayy!) and he said he was sorry for hurting me (or something along those lines.) and I said something like "It's okay, I can't hold you back from what you want" and he started talking about how he wanted me and he wanted to be with me but we hadn't seen each other for so long that it was an unhealthy relationship. And I understand that, it's hard to have a long distance relationship, especially in those months when you don't see each other at all. But I had faith that we were going to make it through, you know? I knew that if we really worked at it, we would be okay. But I guess he didn't feel the same way, and that's fine. But he needs to stop saying things like that...things that are basically saying that he wants to be with me, but the distance is the only thing holding him back...if the next day he's not going to talk to me. We texted for a little bit this morning and everything was going just fine, we weren't fighting, we weren't having any problem just talking to each other, and then he just stopped talking to me. He stopped talking this morning at around 9:30 this morning, and he still hasn't said anything and it's now 8:00 at night. I hate this so much..this rollercoaster kind of thing is hurting me a lot. It's making everything spin around in circles in my head.
I've been thinking about my weight ever since I got that letter in the mail from the school. I know it was a mistake now, because they put in the information that I was four years old..so obviously a four year old who is 120 pounds is overweight. But now I keep thinking about it and I want to be skinnier. I really think that if I had the willpower, I would definitely be an anorexic. Now, don't think I'm saying that that's what I want. I know how bad anorexia is and I know it kills and I know how lucky I am that I don't have it. But I'm the kind of person who buys food, eats it, and then after I eat it, I feel so guilty. I almost feel like I'm going to puke just because I make myself feel so badly for eating it. It gets worse and worse when I'm stressed, especially. But I couldn't do it if I tried. So I guess that's okay. I guess it's okay to be weight-cautious, right?

Quote #22:
"I break in two over you..."

Song #22:
"You Could Be Happy" by Snow Patrol

Confession Fact #21:
When I'm walking home from school, I tend to walk on tempo with the song I'm listening to.

Story/thought #21:
Okay, so I was lying apparently. Allen and I are not doing fine. We're broken up. Again. As of last night at 10:00...it was all him this time. We were just talking and then told me that since we were acting like best friends anyway, we should just "stop pretending". So, we're broken up. And I haven't talked to him all day and it's driving me crazy. I want to talk to him, but I don't.  You know? It hurts a lot.
Not only that, but when I got home today, I got a letter from the school that I assumed was my report card, but when I opened it, it said that after the physical that I had..the one I don't even remember getting..[although they say it was in July, I could have just forgotten], they found that I'm overweight. So that's wonderful. You know...my day's going quite well. My boyfriend broke up with me, I find out I'm overweight..you know..best day of my life.

Quote #21:
"It's different when you're lonely.
The whole world is in love."

Song #21:
"Courage"
-Superchick.

Confession Fact #20:
When I'm stressed out, I never know what's going to make me burst out crying. A lot of the time it's something really small and it happens and all of a sudden I'm crying into my hands. It's really weird. Thankfully, it doesn't happen in public very often.

Story/thought #20:
Sorry I haven't been writing very frequently. Nothing too exciting has been happening though. I think I'm going to a show tomorrow, and I might see Amber, unless her boyfriend is being an ass again. In that case, I won't, but I might see Connor instead? I have no idea what I'm doing, actually. It's pretty annoying. I like to have set plans. Today was a pretty good day even though I had all my hard classes. It's weird though, because I had two really big tests today and I feel really refreshed. I guess that's just me telling myself that I'm glad it's over with and I can start all over? I don't really know. But it's a good feeling.
Let's see...Allen and I are alright as of right now. We haven't been as close as we were before our break up thing, but I guess that's expected. You can't just get back to normal as soon as you get back together. It'll take time, but I'm hoping that we'll hold on long enough. This break up thing has made me a really nervous girlfriend. I know he wouldn't cheat on me or anything, it just makes me nervous, you know? I don't want some girl from his town taking him away from me.
That lock in last weekend was really good for me. I made so many friends that I've been talking to all week. It makes me so happy. Making new friends makes life more interesting, don't you think so?
Ever since my Dad has been on his South Beach Diet, he's been such an asshole to me. He's rude about everything and gets so mad about the stupidest things like me not wanting eggs in the morning. I'm sorry that the smell of eggs in the early morning make me puke, poor Dad, he has to make something only for himself and not his daughter. Honestly, most people love it when they only have to cook for themselves. And now he's forcing me to go to some range with him and my mom on Sunday and I really don't want to go. It's not that I don't like being around them, but I know them. And I know that all this is going to be is them fighting, them yelling at me, them making me upset, me crying, them telling me I shouldn't be crying, me stopping, then them telling me I'm ungrateful just because I don't want to talk to them after they made me cry.
Whatever, I'll just do a lot of things tomorrow and Saturday and have them deal with it. You know, an eye for an eye.

Quote #20:
"Everyone knows that the seasons change; it's unavoidably obvious.
But for some reason everyone tries to ignore the fact that people do too."

Song #20:
"Don't Think I'm Not"
-Kandi.

Confession Fact #19:
I tend to make some of my problems seem worse. But when they come out of my mouth or when I try to explain them to others, I realize they're not as bad as I thought they were.

Story/thought #19:
Allen and I got back together last night. Finally, geez. I can't believe I almost lost him. So everything's okay now. So today I was talking to one of the kids who I met at the lock in and we've been talking all day and he just told me that both his father and his grandmother are dying. It's so surprising because he seemed like such a happy kid, you'd never know that was happening to him. It kind of shows how good people get at hiding things, especially their feelings, you know? If my father and grandmother were both dying, I would be so quiet, nobody would even know I was there! But he was so loud, outgoing, and funny that you would never ever know. But other than that sad news that I have just received, I had a pretty good day. Nothing bad happened, nothing too exciting, but it was all okay.

Quote #19:
"Because no matter what anyone tells you,
there's someone out there who
is made to wake up next to you every morning."

Song #19:
"It's All Coming Back To Me Now"
-Celine Dion

Confession Fact #19:
I don't want you to say that you know how I feel and I don't want honesty. I want you to tell me that you hope I'm okay and ask me if I need anything. Of course I'll say I'll be fine and that I don't need a thing. But you don't have to tell me it wasn't meant to last when I come to you for comfort.

Story/thought #19:
So the past 3 days have been horrible. I seriously cannot believe that this is really happening. I mean, Saturday night and Sunday, Allen kept saying he regretted it, but then would change his mind and say that it's for the best that we broke up. I don't think it's for the best. I don't want to be best friends. I want to be his girlfriend, I want him to tell me he loves me, I want him to come over and kiss me and hold my hand. I know he loves me, he tells me that he does. He says that the only reason he's doing this is because he doesn't want me to hurt more if he ends up screwing our relationship up later on. But I just don't see how this could be helping me at all...

Quote #19:
"I never knew it hurt this much to be saved"
-Kelly Clarkson

Song #19:
"Say Goodbye" S Club 7

Confession Fact #18:
I hate today. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it.

Story/thought #18:
So, I'm posting again today..because Allen and I just broke up. We are now "best friends". Even though it was kind of a mutual agreement to do this, I feel like I'm going to die. I'm so upset. I can't handle anything now. My mom yelled at me and I just ran into my room and burst out crying. This is such a bad day...

Quote #18:
"I know it wasn't perfect, but nothing ever is."

Song #18:
"Near To You" by A Fine Frenzy.

Confession Fact #18:
I'm really a vengeful person. I constantly want to get back at people for the things they do wrong.

Story/thought #18:
So Allen and I almost broke up again last night. It turned out that we didn't, of course, he just likes to scare me to death. But I was really angry/upset with him so we didn't talk all that much last night after we worked things out. But I was at an overnight church thing and I met soo many new people...many of them were guys. It was nice. I had a good night. Of course, I got hardly any sleep because I was too busy worrying/having fun at the same time. I can't really concentrate because I'm so tired so I'll write more tomorrow. :-)

Quote #18:
"Sing until your lungs give out."

Song #18:
I don't know what song to put up today, so I won't put anything.

Confession Fact #17:
When I'm upset about something, I either can't sleep or keep waking up at night because of the dreams I have. I wake up in a cold sweat, can't breathe, and I'm already crying. Then I just lay there calming myself down before I fall back asleep.

Story/thought #17:
Allen told me yesterday that he thought about going back out with Bridgett yesterday before he decided that he wanted to stay with me. Then what happened? He dropped it almost completely. He knows I'm upset about it, I can tell, but for some reason he's not bringing it up. I don't know, maybe he just feels bad or something. Today I was talking to my friend Tristan and he thinks that I should get a friend to watch out for any signs that he could possibly be cheating on me. I guess I could ask Leah, Allen's ex/friend and one of my good friends, to look out. But I feel like that's such an untrusting thing to do, you know? If he found out, I feel like he'd be kinda mad. Tristan says I should either do that or break up with him. I don't want to do that though. This morning, I could tell he was feeling badly about it because he was apologizing and saying things like "I don't know what I would do without you, please don't leave me.." etc. But I really don't know what to do.
I'm babysitting tonight, and I think I'm gonna turn off my cell phone while I'm doing that. Or at least tell him I can't text while I'm babysitting or something so that I could get some time to think about it and relax and forget a little and stuff without him making me feel all loved by saying these nice things to me. Good idea, right?
But I don't know...what do you think? Should I dump him? Stay with him? Give him one more chance? I'm so torn. I love him, but I don't want to risk getting cheated on or dumped or..you know, just treated wrongly.
Help? Thanks..

Quote #17:
"My life, you're stealing. Yesterday was hell."

Song #17:
"Dammit" by Blink-182.

Confession Fact #16:
It's the worst thing in the world when somebody says something and never explains it. It's the kind of thing that makes you want to tear your hair out.

Story/thought #16:
So today was horrible. Not kidding at all..it was horrible. Why? Allen. Yesterday, Emily went to his house and hung out for a few hours. I trust him, but it got me upset because he talked me out of going to Connor's house last weekend by saying he never hangs out with girls alone. So I didn't go because I felt bad, and then he hangs out with Emily? But whatever, I didn't care, I got over it, and then yesterday night when he got home from his practice, he told me that his friend Kristen and his ex-girlfriend, Bridgett, were coming over for all of today. And I got so upset, it was ridiculous. I even told him about it, and he assured me that I could trust him and everything. And then today I'm talking to him and he was saying that he was in bad mood and I asked why and he told me he was "thinking" and whenever he says that, he's thinking about something bad, so I asked what he was thinking about and he said "us, the past, the future" and then he told me it wasn't our past, it was his past that he was thinking about. Of course, he was thinking about this while he ex-fucking-girlfriend was over his house. And I know I may be jumping to conclusions, but what the hell am I supposed to think? And now he won't explain..and he left for practice. So I don't know what to do until he gets out. I'm crying my eyes out over something that might not even be happening right now.
Oh, and did I mention that it's our anniversary today?
Yea. Happy Anniversary to you too, Allen. What an awesome way to celebrate..

Quote #16:
"I'm running out of excuses to give out to you."

Song #16:
"Whiskey Lullaby" by Brad Paisley and Alison Krauss.

Confession Fact #15:
I find that good days are what life's all about because when it happens..when you have a really good day...it's like all of sudden your life is perfect and nothing could be better. You find yourself dancing while you're walking home to a song like "Perfect Day" by Hoku, you know? It's just so good.

Story/thought #15:
Today was a very good day, actually. I just felt good all day. The only thing bad that happened was I got a 78 on that bio test that I studied so hard for, but that's okay, because it's an advanced class and it won't mean anything to me by tonight. Anywayyy, today was so so so good! Not only was my day in school awesome, but I got off the bus to walk my mile home and it was so nice out and I found out that I was going to Amber's house to sleepover tonight! Of course, she's hanging out with Ben beforehand, but that's okay because I get to see her for the first time in weeks! Wow, I don't even really know why today was so good, but it was! I mean, you'd think it would kinda suck because I had to cancel movie night with Connor, and he's a little upset[but not really, ya know?] about it, but it's such a good day! Like, good enough to make me feel like nothing has gone really wrong for months! Haha, I'm so like, ecstatic and elated right now.
Let's see, today this kid Tom in my history class was talking about how he wanted to ask a girl to some dance that's coming up and Kyle was talking to him and he goes "It's Kate, isn't it?" out of the blue, and Tom goes "No, there's no drug or alcohol in the world that would make me want to" and of course, I got insulted, but now he's begging for forgiveness and stuff and I know he was kidding and everything, so now it's like a game. He tells me how he's so sorry and asks what he could do to possibly make up for it, and the only thing that I say will help is to "bake me a cake, bring it into school next week and walk into my class with it singing the song "Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You" to me". He says it will kill us both if he sings to me, but I just laugh and refuse to accept anything less. I'm having such a good day.
I love this so much.

Quote #15:
"Life can be so randomly beautiful."

Song #15:
"Boom Boom Boom" Vengaboys.

Confession Fact #14:
I'm so afraid.

Story/thought #14:
I was up until around 12:30 talking to Allen last night about almost everything. He's really been opening up a lot lately and I love it. It helps me to realize that he really does trust me enough to tell me things. And he's not like a lot of guys who would rather die than mention an ex girlfriend, not only does he mention them, but he tells me why they broke up and how much better our relationship is than theirs. It makes me feel really good about our relationship when he does things like this.

Quote #14:
"Everything looks perfect from far away."

Song #14:
"Good Enough"
-Evanescence.

Confession Fact #14:
After 14 entries in here, I can honestly say that I am extremely happy that I started this project.

Story/thought #14:
Today was a good day. I was awake and happy all day (until the second to last period when I started feeling really tired). In art I finished another one of my paintings. I only have one more to go now! I have "Love is a" done and all I need is "virtue" to make it make sense. I'm excited! I decided to be a good student today and actually study for my huge biology test today. Most people just look up their notes, right? Because I went through all of our notes on the unit and I re-typed them. That's right, I retyped all the notes. 4 pages of notes are now in front of me in size 10 font-Georgia. It's crazy. And I have this test tomorrow? I'm definitely not ready. I also have to take the History test that I missed last week while I was sick. Of course, I was supposed to take it today during lunch, but I really didn't feel like it because I was really hungry and there was no way I was eating while taking a test. That would feel too weird. Haha. Let's see...Allen's getting sick now. It's upsetting. I was talking to him on the phone last night, and you know how when people have a cold they sound all congested? That's what he sounds like, and it makes me all upset. :-( I left the sweatshirt that Allen gave me a while ago in my art room today! I was so upset, I thought about running to get it right after I got on the bus, but then my bus driver said that I wouldn't have time. Wouldn't have time, my ass! We sat there waiting for at least five more minutes, I could have gotten it fast enough. If it's not there tomorrow, I'm going to be so angry.

Quote #14:
This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time.

Song #14:
"Good Morning, Beautiful"
by Keith Urban.

Confession Fact #13:
I flirt a lot with people and half the time I don't even know I'm doing it.

Story/thought #13:
So today was a good day. Even though it was supposed to snow A LOT and then hardly snowed at all, it was still good. So that definitely says something. I went to school today feeling refreshed and truly happy. Last night, Allen and I talked on the phone for about 2 hours and it was the first phone conversation in a long time where it hasn't been tense or anything. We just had fun talking to each other just like we used to. That's what made me so happy, because now I realize that we're gonna be fine and thinks are finally getting back to normal which is totally awesome.
Last night I also told my mother how I'm going to Connor's house sometime this week/weekend for a movie night like we've been planning for months, and she freaked and told me that I can go, but she needs to get used to me being a teenager. I knew it! I swear I did. I understand why it scares her, considering I'm her youngest child. But it's true that she really does need to get used to it. Having guy friends is perfectly normal for a girl my age. It's actually kind of funny that she's just realizing it now. Haha...
Let's see, what else happened today? Hmm..I walked home in the flurry of snow. But it's actually not a bad temperature out, so that's nice. And, I, uh, I dunno. Nothing too exciting. But I'm in such a good mood. :-)
Oh! And today I got really scared because I realized that I put a lot of detail in here and it might become noticeable to somebody that it's me. So I'm praying that nobody reads this who I know, because, you know, that would definitely blow my cover and then I'd have to find a way to cover my cover up and then it'd be really confusing.

Quote #13:
I love you.

Song #13:
"That's What Girls Do"
-No Secrets.

Confession Fact #12:
I love to feel the intensity when bands are playing live.

Story/thought #12:
Today I went to a show for my friend's band and other bands that played before/after them. It was really really good! I got to hang out with 2 of my best friends named Connor and Drew. I also got to see a bunch of people who don't go to my school anymore [they go to another high school]. It was really fun tonight. I got to hear my friends play live, I got to hang out with them before and after it, and I got to play a bunch of those hand games with Connor. Like the one where one person tries to slap the other person's hands before they pull them away? And I got to pretend like I was playing the drums. Hah! I went to the show with Ellen and we hung out the whole time.
Ahhhh, such a good night tonight! :)

Quote #12:
Hold onto me and never let me go.

Song #12:
"I Can't Hate You Anymore"
-Nick Lachey.

Confession Fact #11:
I take things way out of proportion sometimes and I don't know it until after I've acted on it.

Story/thought #11:
Wow. I just went through yet another complete mood swing. I was in a really good mood and my sister just did something that I kinda disliked and I completely blew up. I feel like my moods have been all over the place and it takes the tiniest things to set me off. I can't control my emotions at all anymore and I'm starting to wonder if it could be something emotionally/mentally wrong with me. I'm not even kidding. I feel like I'm bipolar or something, but I have no idea how to know and there's no way I'm actually going to bring it up to somebody.
Anyway, today was pretty good in school. I had my easy day and it was "fun Friday" in gym so I didn't really have to do much. I got my whole 2nd painting of our 4 painting long art project done today! That's a big feat considering I'm a pretty slow painter. But then after school, Allen and I ended up talking about why he's been acting like he wants out lately. Or at least that's what I asked him. He explained that he loves me and all, he just misses me a lot all the time and it's hard for him to get used to the whole not-seeing-me-whenever-he-wants-to thing. I understand, I mean, I know it sucks a lot. But then before he had to go to a game for volleyball, I was like "Okay, bye, I love you!" and he just responded with "Bye". I know that really shouldn't be a big deal. Maybe he didn't have time to text "I love you too" back or something..but I can't help but get upset by it. He always said it back before. What the hell is going on? I love him, I really really do. I just don't know how much more of this I can take..

Quote #11:
I think you're wonderful and I think you're something special.
I guess this is my only chance to say I wish I knew you
because I'm sure you're wonderful. If I get to know you...

Song #11:
"Breathe"
-Anna Nalick.

Confession Fact #10:
I love to sing, dance, and act. However, I've only been in one dance class and one dramatics class. Other than those classes, I'm not professionally trained, yet I still put it off. [Not to sound conceited].

Story/thought #10:
Today I went back to school. It wasn't that bad, actually. I think I'm finally getting used to the whole school thing again. I'm really happy that I met the people that I did this year. They make it so much more tolerable, you know?
More problems arose with Allen today. I mean, it's not to the point where we can't stand each other. I know he loves me, and I love him. But you can tell that something's bothering him, and I believe it's the distance. But who knows! The mind of this boy flies with the wind, it changes constantly and he's stubborn on not always letting me know what's going on.
Even though things are pretty crazy in my life lately, I got a sudden burst of confidence. I was talking to my ex-boyfriend/best friend Connor online and we were talking about Allen and the problem and such, and then all of a sudden I just started to feel so good. Like, even though we're having problems, I know I'm in love with the boy and I know that he loves me, even if he has a problem with whatever it is that he has a problem with. And if he wants out, then I guess I have to accept that. I know we'll still be best friends in the end, just like Connor and I.
You know what I realized today? I talk myself out of my own problems a lot of the time. Like, if somebody isn't really giving me advice [whether they don't want to, or they don't have any, or their advice just sucks], I'll just talk it out. You know? Like, I'll even IM it all to them and they'll sit there at their computer reading it all [or not reading it, who knows?] and I end up coming to terms and finding a solution by myself. I'm pretty sure that's a good thing.

Quote #10:
The road to you is long and dark,
but I'd walk it every day.

Song #10:
"Stay Beautiful"
-Taylor Swift.